Daily Archives: November 15, 2011

30? Well, okay. I guess?

*note – no recipes here, but there will be a cake recipe and post in a few days!


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I love my birthday. I love the
month of November, and I love the number 16 – I even love the year 1981 –
all in a wildly narcissistic fashion. So should you! (for your day,
respectively – or, hey, mine if you want to) I will have a blast, and there
will be cake. It’s 30 that I’m not so sure about.

I distinctly recall how old I used to think that 30 was when I was younger –
there’s even a line in an old Deana Carter song ‘Strawberry Wine’ about
remembering when 30 was old. (also, her biggest fear was September, when he
had to go – I digress.) (That I just said “an old Deana Carter song” and
meant it also is a bit disturbing.)

Personally, I don’t feel a day over 16 – and when I was 16 I felt old and
sad a lot of the time. I did a lot of wishing I could just fast-forward
beyond my crazy youth to become instantly old and wise and look back on the
things that were happening then with humour and a fount of knowledge instead
of fear and confusion.

Truthfully, I’m glad that didn’t happen, (the non-event of time travel not
withstanding), and that I experienced everything in between then and now
that I have – because it’s been a hell of a ride – and I didn’t really have
to wait that long, in the grand scheme of things, to be able to look back on
things the way I can now.

Personally and career-wise, (which are so interlocked it’s sometimes hard to
define the lines between them), I’ve gone through what I needed to go
through to be who I am right now. I needed those times. I needed to learn
what I didn’t want, what I wouldn’t go through again, and to learn to
communicate all of those things through music, writing, conversation, and
expression – and with other people.

Know who I am now? Me neither. Not completely. I’m learning that doesn’t
matter so long as you’re true to yourself. The rest follows. It does. I

I’ve put myself through enough trials at this point, and I’ve spent so much
time locked up in my own head, that quite frankly, I want to do put all I
have in to everything in life and just enjoy it. I want to learn everything.
I want to see everything. I want to love everyone.

Now, I’ve heard a lot that 30 is the new 20 – and I have no idea what that
means. In fact, I don’t even WANT that to be the case. To me, 30 is still
30, and, scary as that is to me, I’m glad to not be 20 anymore. I was so
constantly confused and heartbroken and filled with self-hatred when I was
20 – that it’s a great place to be beyond.

I am excited to be on the other side of all that now, and I am looking
forward to new adventures and appreciating all of the previous ones. I’m
even excited to look back on this in 30 years and realize how naïve I was
turning 30.

I’ve shed some old fears, and have occasionally developed new ones – but I
feel younger, more open-minded and more battle-ready than ever. I can
finally lift that sword out of that stone – now I just have to figure out
what to do with it. First, I’ll cut the cake. =

ps. I took this pic in Cow Head, NL when I was there this summer –

I was in love with this mug.



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