30? Well, okay. I guess?

*note – no recipes here, but there will be a cake recipe and post in a few days!

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I love my birthday. I love the
month of November, and I love the number 16 – I even love the year 1981 –
all in a wildly narcissistic fashion. So should you! (for your day,
respectively – or, hey, mine if you want to) I will have a blast, and there
will be cake. It’s 30 that I’m not so sure about.

I distinctly recall how old I used to think that 30 was when I was younger –
there’s even a line in an old Deana Carter song ‘Strawberry Wine’ about
remembering when 30 was old. (also, her biggest fear was September, when he
had to go – I digress.) (That I just said “an old Deana Carter song” and
meant it also is a bit disturbing.)

Personally, I don’t feel a day over 16 – and when I was 16 I felt old and
sad a lot of the time. I did a lot of wishing I could just fast-forward
beyond my crazy youth to become instantly old and wise and look back on the
things that were happening then with humour and a fount of knowledge instead
of fear and confusion.

Truthfully, I’m glad that didn’t happen, (the non-event of time travel not
withstanding), and that I experienced everything in between then and now
that I have – because it’s been a hell of a ride – and I didn’t really have
to wait that long, in the grand scheme of things, to be able to look back on
things the way I can now.

Personally and career-wise, (which are so interlocked it’s sometimes hard to
define the lines between them), I’ve gone through what I needed to go
through to be who I am right now. I needed those times. I needed to learn
what I didn’t want, what I wouldn’t go through again, and to learn to
communicate all of those things through music, writing, conversation, and
expression – and with other people.

Know who I am now? Me neither. Not completely. I’m learning that doesn’t
matter so long as you’re true to yourself. The rest follows. It does. I
promise.

I’ve put myself through enough trials at this point, and I’ve spent so much
time locked up in my own head, that quite frankly, I want to do put all I
have in to everything in life and just enjoy it. I want to learn everything.
I want to see everything. I want to love everyone.

Now, I’ve heard a lot that 30 is the new 20 – and I have no idea what that
means. In fact, I don’t even WANT that to be the case. To me, 30 is still
30, and, scary as that is to me, I’m glad to not be 20 anymore. I was so
constantly confused and heartbroken and filled with self-hatred when I was
20 – that it’s a great place to be beyond.

I am excited to be on the other side of all that now, and I am looking
forward to new adventures and appreciating all of the previous ones. I’m
even excited to look back on this in 30 years and realize how naïve I was
turning 30.

I’ve shed some old fears, and have occasionally developed new ones – but I
feel younger, more open-minded and more battle-ready than ever. I can
finally lift that sword out of that stone – now I just have to figure out
what to do with it. First, I’ll cut the cake. =

ps. I took this pic in Cow Head, NL when I was there this summer -

I was in love with this mug.

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “30? Well, okay. I guess?

  1. Jacqueline

    Miss Allison,

    As usual, I love your thoughts, words and your musings and I thank you for sharing them. I was totally unsure about turning 30 too…so I rented a beach house in Ireland (sounds like an oxymoron, I know) and threw myself a week long 70s party. The thing I was most surprised about was how I felt once I had that “30 year old badge.” I felt like I had come of age…that I had been through lots of heartache and heartbreak, that I had become comfortable in my own skin and that I HAD ARRIVED. If we’re quoting old and odd song lyrics, I’d even go as far as to say that I had this one overwhelming thought all week: Man…I feel like a woman.

    I’m seriously excited to welcome you to the somewhat all inclusive (yet numerically exclusive) Club 30 tomorrow…you’ve accomplished so much in your decade 20s, that I just know you’ll ROCK this next one.

    Happy Early B-day…and much LOVE.

    Jacq xo

  2. “The rest follows.” It’s true. We go through everything we do and then we make the reason or find the reason in it. I think our 20s are about the loneliness and the growing pains of becoming. Becoming who we are, who we want and sometimes who we think we should be. It’s like you’ve sung about the darkness in us, but still having light. That’s what our 30s are. We remember our darkness but we’ve found our light. Am I even making sense at this point?

    Tomorrow means CAKE!

  3. Rohan Jayasekera

    30 means you’ve arrived. Oh, now that I read the previous comments I see that Jacqueline already said that. So it must be true. I turned 30 long long ago and I still see it the same way she does.

    One of the benefits is that you get taken more seriously. Up till now (well, tomorrow, but that’s almost here), lesser mortals gave less weight to your opinions just because you hadn’t reached that magic number (sad but true).

    Also, cake.

    Happy birthday!!!

    Rohan

  4. Further to all who’ve posted sagely before me, and picking up on what Rohan’s saying… you’re moving into the company of immortals ;)

    I’ve heard that 50 is the new 20. If so, you may enjoy many years of self-renewal! Just set your life odometer to whatever you like :)

    May you name your cake Celebration!! or something suitably fun!!

    Happy Birthday!!! (and it is now, in Newfoundland)

    Ad oxo

  5. p.s. I tried to not have your face be looking back at you – but, my WordPress accounts cross over, as confusingly as those on facebook, so, consider this some self-celebration :)

  6. Hi Allison,

    congratulations and welcome to the club! It’s indeed an interesting phenomenon, never to feel old. Except to attend the wrong parties and everybody guesses you to be a narc or even worse… :o)

    Hope to see you soon again in germany!

  7. You have made millions peoples happy.
    Today is your very, very big day.
    I send birthday greetings from my lappy.
    30 years!!! Hurray, hurray,hurray!!!

    Happy birthday Allison!!!
    I wish you all the best!!!

    “No, you are not 30 !! You are much younger!!”

    Have a very good party:):):)

    Best greetings from Germany,

    Andreas

  8. Pingback: Allison Crowe » Blog Archive » You can have your cake and eat it twice

  9. Happy Birthday….just remember……age is as much about mind as body. Stay young in your mind Allison.

    Hi Adrian

  10. kate taylor

    Big up, 1981! Woo-hoo!
    Know who else shares this bestest birthyear ever?
    None other than Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.
    Pretty awesome right?
    :) hee hee.
    It actually is a really good show.
    Anyway, enjoy your year at 30! And I guess you’ll get an extra day at it since it’s leap year!

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